First Season Mourning Dove

“I said, oh, that I had the wings of a dove!  I would fly away and be at rest.”

(Psalm 55: 6 NIV)


mourning dove pic 1


Early morning on the first day of March, the cold rain is pouring down like sheets of melting ice in this messy transition of His miraculous seasons….

And my soul screams out to Him just like His seasons of everlasting change….


Fickle… yet faithful…

Discontent… yet satisfied…..

Cold…yet warm….

Doubtful….yet so very hopeful

Enemy….yet lover…

Depressed….yet eternally happy!

Alive… yet dying!!!! 

Pouring out my own tears of icy rain in my deepest dark sorrows of late wintertime…

Only to the One who listens to my ever-evolving yearly cries….

“Why do You leave me here?”

“In this dead winter barren,  a land of loss and suffering?”

I long for Your paradise



 In…..“Immanuel’s Land”

“Glory, glory in Immanuel’s Land!”


And……What a barren wasteland in this finite time…

it has truly become….

Of pain…and suffering…..

Of heartache and sure death!

I so try to love You always and stay faithful to Your Promises!

My unanswered questions just as many as Your long- awaited answers…

 I have yet to hear You speak…

I so desire to see Your face and kiss Your trampled, scorned feet!

But I will continue to walk blindly into this vast void of cold bitter darkness.

And in this freezing rain I fear will soon turn to freezing snow….

I glance out at Your wondrous creation and see my first season’s mourning dove…

I do not hear his mourning dove song….

As much as I try to listen, he stands silent in this freezing rain.

Sitting heroic and patiently …

Not even a ruffle of feathers does he flutter….

Perched high and mighty…

He is and always is!

Though I truly feel….

He is mocking me. 

Unfazed by the current condition of Your varied and wondrous seasons…

 Is he only there to remind me?

Of Your undying promises?

The promises You will keep!!!!

The promises you will keep to me, my Lord?


“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you, He will never let the righteous be shaken.”

(Psalm 55: 22 NIV)



Yet we deny what He shows us…in our deepest sorrow!


” I AM…”

I am or I’m, a form with the English copular verb to be

“I Am that I Am”, a common English translation of the response God used in the Hebrew Bible when Moses asked for His name

I am (biblical term), a Christian term used in the Bible


“Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, before Abraham was born, I Am.”

(John 8: 58 NIV)


I am pic

The Christmas season is finally over…. but what a sad time of year it truly was for me…

My finite joy is now gone… and my words of rejoice and praise… have been silenced!

For those I love the most…. And those I long to spend eternity with…

Yet they are still among us……

They are now gone to me…..

… I did not gaze upon their beautiful faces…or hear their tender words of love.

….BUT in His Mercy… He gave me a glimmer of hope…

A precious child….

The very same age as the very ones I longed for this past Christmas season…..



And another glimmer of hope… I did not deserve!!

An unsuspecting text I did Receive…….

A final Victory?……..

a Hard Fought Triumph?……

 Maybe perhaps…..

Just a glimmer of hope!!!


For there are no true and righteous wars fought here….

For You have already won the war!!!


Simple words !

Two words that mean such very much to me….

“I AM….”

“I AM!….”

I AM…….!!!!




“All my devotion is like sinking sand. I’ve nothing to cling to but your sweet hand. I’ve no clear emotions keeping me safe at night: Only your presence, like a candle light. After everything I’ve had. After everything I’ve lost. Lord, I know this much is true, I’m still drawn to you. I pour out my sorrows just like a precious oil. I kiss your feet, Lord, with a holy joy. My tears an offering of my highest praise; Your eyes say ‘welcome.’ And I receive Your gaze. ‘Cause after everything I’ve had And after everything I’ve lost Lord, I know this much is true I’m still drawn to you After everything’s been said. After everything love cost. Lord, I know this much is true I’m still drawn to you. You know I am Lord, I know this much is true I’m still drawn to you.”

“Audrey Assad”

…February 23, 2018



I HEAR YOU!!!!!! 

I HEAR YOU!!!!  


I will someday kiss your Feet my Lord with a holy joy!!!!!…..

yet also with great tears of sorrow!!!!


great tears of sorrow ……..My Lord!




Merry Christmas!

To all my WordPress friends….

Believers and Unbelievers alike….

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays!!!!To all my unbelieving friends…

I write only for you!!!

And if you are suffering or in pain this season…so am I….

For this time of year is so very hard….so very difficult!

But I have a Belief in my heart….A belief you do not yet possess….

The trials and tribulations I share with you….. Shall one day pass…

And…. I will awaken in my Savior’s arms…….

Not because I am worthy to awaken there…

But only because I believe in His promise….His plan…..His salvation….

For I am unworthy, far more unworthy than you!



Happy Holidays!  To you and your loved ones!!!

To my believing friends….

He who was willing to be born into poverty and lived a poor man’s life…

He who willingly went to the Cross and was crucified for us…only to give us eternal life…

A new hope….A new life….

He who loved us before the beginning of time.

He gave His all….

Do not ever forget or take for granted…. the free gift that has been given to us….

Merry Christmas! 

You can never truly enjoy Christmas until you can look up into the Father’s face and tell him you have received his Christmas gift.

John R. Rice  


Dedicated to my eldest granddaughter…. Madison! 

Who just celebrated her 7th birthday on December 6th…..

Merry Christmas Everyone!!! 


‘Tis The Season

christmas card picture


“For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.”

(Luke 2:11 ESV)

Another cold winter morning persists as I awake to the yearly task of preparing Christmas well wishes to extended family and not too distant friends.  And as I prepare and address each card….I marvel at just how drastic and sudden our lives seem to change each and every year….

Of recent births and deaths….. Of happy marriages and painful divorces, and of blended families that seem to heal from old wounds.   The stable greeting of a family member or friend I have come to depend on… yet quietly wondering if that greeting will survive one more year.  The scattered well wishes that will never be heard from again…at least not here. The cheerful Christmas wish from yesteryear which is now a painful and hurtful attack.    The now silent and sometimes painful echoes of the past mixed with the security and well-being of the present day and always closing each year’s end…..

Today…it is converging all at once on a Christmas believer who truly knows the reason for the season.

Cards of old friends who are now foes…and of old foes who are now friends.  Cards of those who were once considered strangers… but this year or last, our paths have crossed…and perhaps only for a short time….But smiling at the thought that my own handwriting in the greeting card I send this year may one day remind them of an old Christmas past…..

Family members who share strong bonds and family where bonds are now broken… Christmas cards of old and ones from just last year…. Fancy and playful, religious and serious….All providing a moment in time for us to revisit a fractured friendship or a silent voice… a ravaged family or a true love that never fails to cease…….

I rummage through broken boxes overstuffed with the memories of Christmas …. And I stop to cherish the precious handwriting on a Christmas card of one no longer with me…..The dried ink as vivid, alive, and still ingrained as it once was….. Just frozen here in time.   I touch their once written script and lovingly embrace their memory of a distant past….But only because I remain hopeful of a future celebration

 For I truly know the reason for the season…

“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

(Romans 6:23 ESV)


Rejoice if you truly know the reason for the season!

And pray for those who do not!




Familiar Adversaries


cabin trees 2

“For it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rise against their parents and have them put to death.  You will be hated by everyone on account of My name, but the one who perseveres to the end will be saved.”

(Matthew 10: 20-22)



Before the first snowy morning dawn approached…a heartbroken prayer was gently and softly spoken…

 “Do not forsake me Lord, for I have warned others of the continuous works of evildoers….yet I fear I have lost the battle…”

And this battle waged was not fought on torrent enemy grounds…but in safe and familiar sanctuaries …..

By quite familiar and desperately loved faces.

Much adored ones but now turned foes…..Always embraced will be my present day adversaries…

 From the relaxed and easy surroundings of my past.

… They thought nothing to speak ill of me…

Their evil and vile language so unspeakable….so completely incomprehensible….

“I’m on my knees before You…..

I submit!”

“Where must I go from here Lord…

Do I concede to my once loved adversaries… or do I carry on without them?”

This is where this hard fought battle has found me….

 Among an open void filled with thorns and spikes

  A mighty wasteland it has now become, once vibrant and beaming with color.

I’m even more desperate to advance among the corn fields and forest You gave me…

 With the loving prince you once hand-picked.

 A ferocious warrior indeed who rescued this hurting daughter from afar…

And will always kept her safe and warm within.

I long to proceed to the winding and peaceful paths which clearly scream your Name,

 And abruptly awaken me from sleep….

…And bring me back to life once again.

Surely a hidden and heavenly blessing I have yet to fully realize…

For the poison also inhabits Your wondrous beauty which equally sustain us both .

cabin trees

“For son treats father contemptuously, daughter rises up against her mother, daughter in law against her mother in law; a man’s enemies are the men of his own household.”

(Micah 7:6)



“Sustain me Lord, please hear my plea this cold and bitter morning….

For my perseverance is severely lacking,

Please help me complete this long and hard life’s journey.”

Allow us both now to seek refuge in the forest you have given us…

For our twilight years are fast approaching.

 And the hard labor of years behind us… are scoffed and ridiculed…

they remain unnoticed…

By those who do not know You……..


A Desperate Warning to Christians, Part 1

pic of bible

Therefore the law is ignored and justice is never upheld.  For the wicked surround the righteous; therefore justice comes out perverted….

Habakkuk 1:4

I remember that overcast summer day not too long ago when marriage was redefined by the United States Supreme Court…and considering my background and all the heartache I personally experienced of rejection, abandonment, and being the best friend…the only true friend… to my gay brother back in the late 1970’s through early 2000’s, I actually rejoiced!  I felt instant relief!   My immediate thought quickly turned to him…what would he think?  What would he say?  Would he celebrate this long fought “victory”?  All while painfully recalling the hatred others exhibited for my brother…. hatred from family…hatred from friends… and hatred from the church. The shroud of secrecy that gripped my family… and severed those who were left behind and barely surviving after a fathers’ adultery and a parents’ divorce… and my brother was constantly having to live in silence under a cloud of continual suspicion and guilt.

 “It is finally over”…….I thought.

Since the Supreme Court ruling…I have witnessed and read the fear of fellow Christians and of our great Christian leaders praying from the pulpit… or sermonizing a frightening condition…a feared future of losing our own religious rights… I would defend my position stating, “certainly the newly redefining of marriage would not result in losing our right to orthodox, long held Christian beliefs…That prediction is quite a leap!’  I would question their anxiety….marvel at their uncertainty….feeling safe in my own vindication of what was in my own past….. And refusing to look into the near future and taking into consideration that deep rooted hatred may eventually grow into an even greater disaster…..

This morning, I awoke to find a list of “hate” groups in the United States. This list appeared on CNN and was created by the Southern Poverty Law Center.  Scrolling down the list of  the well-known hate filled groups in our country….I paused and trembled when I came across the Family Research Institute listed…… (See link below) 


“This is only the beginning”….I fear!


Eternal Midsummer Sun

“For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

(John 3:16) 




I sit here very reluctantly with the imminent threat of storms looming overhead… yet still I eagerly await another early rising midsummer sun…. As the darkness continues to linger into daybreak… I am attempting rather unsuccessfully to embrace the predicted series of slowly moving storms which hastily interrupts my early midsummer morning. Late night storms have left my water starved annuals laying on their uprooted mangled sides… and a scattering of white and pink petals now lay across my parched wooden deck….. My sleepless night thoughts persist and I wander just too long in anticipation of the approaching storms… and my wandering mind only complicates the mix of emotions I’m experiencing from yet another one of life’s greatest disappointments….. Just another “failure” to add to my repertoire…but like too many failures in my already overstuffed life….this failure comes from within a deep and painful crevice of spiritually rooted connections and convictions with fellow believers….. Yet I feel a remarkable and undeniable familiarity to this type of great disappointment as I glance out my patio door staring blankly at the searing sheets of endless rain just beginning to pound the south facing side of my home…..

My thoughts take another turn to not only my own failures, but also to the multiple losses I have suffered throughout my life… Trapped within the walls of this sadly wandering state of mind…..  My thoughts turn to my sister.   I struggle to envision a much happier time where she stood firmly beside me… bravely fighting with her diseased and ravaged body in tow…. It was an extremely aggressive intruder which hastily interrupted her late winter morning sun many years ago…and many months before she finally succumbed to this ultimate life-robbing enemy…this sickening invader who eventually won the hard fought battle against her constant desire to remain here in this familiar yet darkened place….her final and seemingly unanswered plea to witness yet another one of her own early rising midsummer suns…..and in this frozen memory…. my heart sinks even lower.

With much regret….I think of the many disagreements my sister and I once shared….. Far too many of our own life’s experiences stood between the two of us and the One and Only Truth and our many experiences almost separated us from creating a final spiritual truce.  I being the lost prodigal child of a Great Comforter not too long ago and she being the ever faithful and everlasting daughter of a Mighty King… born in the faith and never wavering.  Sometimes this uncomfortable wedge created too wide a space for a compromise to even take hold…for a conversation to take place and grow…and to at last realize…… the simple understanding that our belief in the One and Only Truth did indeed take very different roads…. But both roads led back home!!   There are varied paths of Light that occur in this life’s constant darkness.   My road being twisted with many unwanted, and sometimes self-inflicted roadblocks… my footprints disappearing at long intervals of time upon its jagged edge and teetering on a lack of trust and commitment …her road well-traveled and worn with the unbroken trust of her steadfast feet.. Scattered were her footprints but never ever too close to its well-developed edge… yet narrow and unbending along the border…


road 1


The rain is tapering as the sound of thunder rumbles off into the distance as the storms move to the unsuspecting East…and my sadly wandering thoughts are slowly turning to the present-tense as I sense the departing storms and begin to plan my day…..yet I pause and attempt to envision my sister’s present day view of her eternal midsummer sun….so Majestic….so Gracious…and so very Merciful……but I cannot envision it for both the current and departing storms here cause too much turmoil……And there is yet another winding road for me to travel… but I know my simple belief in Him gets me through one more storm and one more jagged edge along its path…and I seek…and I plead… and I’m given comfort by Him once again… and by this simple truth…..

My faithful sister is the daughter of a Mighty King and I am the rebellious child of a Great Comforter!


pic of road 3


Take comfort in knowing He is there with you on your current winding road…..and there is nothing that can separate you from Him as long as you are a believer and you continue to simply believe in His promise!